Always Push Forward

2015 has been the biggest year of my life to date. Looking back, it doesn't seem like a lot has changed in my life in terms of tangible things. I haven't moved, I have the same job, and I'm not back in school. The changes for the year are my own. Since I was in middle school I've had incredibly low self confidence. I questioned my abilities, potential, worth, and pretty much every facet of my life. I've never liked my appearance and was disgusted by my body. I would tell myself I didn't care and put on a show. I'd do silly things to draw attention from my flaws. 

That changed in 2015. I was seeing someone, and madly in love. It was the first time I'd felt like someone loved me as I was. I didn't worry about my weight or try to impress with my job. I didn't feel like I was an utter failure when I was with him. This relationship taught me how to love myself. It was also the first time I'd really been passionate about a relationship. I've been in love before, but this time was different. I'd thought about moving in together and building a future. I loved fully and unashamedly. I felt safe. This was also the first relationship that made me think about what I wanted out of a relationship. I learned what type of person I needed to be involved with and how I wanted to interact with them. The more I learned about myself and my needs, the more I tried to understand and meet his. As I learned about us, I also learned that we were not meant to be. The hardest thing I've ever done... I felt bad because I knew he'd hurt. I was worried about his reaction and how he'd handle it. 

It happened, and while it hurt both of us, I feel like we're both on better tracks because of it.

I took what I had learned about myself and my needs. I kept my confidence. I'm still working on a friendship, but I'd like to think I kept my best friend (even if we do have a little tension still). 

I also decided I was going to finally push myself and be a healthier person. I didn't have a weight loss goal in mind, I just knew I wanted to make some lifestyle changes and be healthier. These changes resulted in me losing 35 pounds. I went from 255 in January to 220 today. I feel better, I'm more active and doing things I love again. I am still working on getting back into shape, and I'm months from being able to do a 50 mile bike ride again, but I'll get there. It's funny how easy it is when you don't have your number one goal to be "drop ___ pounds." I ate less and better. I worked out. That's pretty much it. I weighed myself every day, but didn't and still don't have an end goal in mind. 

On the job front, I gained enough confidence to seriously apply to positions. I stopped worrying about if I was or was not qualified. If I wanted to do something or thought it could be interesting, I applied. So far I've gotten 5 interviews and one job offer. I've only officially been declined by one of the companies. The rest, are still in review. Did I mention I only applied for 6 positions? I've been "job hunting" for a year, but every time I saw a posting, I'd talk myself out of applying. "Oh, I don't have the experience they want" or "I'm not remotely qualified for that, they won't even consider me." The few positions I did allow myself to apply to were ones I didn't want, and it showed in the applications. When I didn't get interviews for these ones, I took that as a sign of my incompetence. I still don't have an offer I want, but it's going to happen, and I'm not giving up. If I can get 5 interviews in a week, I can get a job that works for both me AND the company. 

It's funny how when you get into a hole and lose your self-worth, it's almost impossible to improve anything you are unhappy with. For me, I'd talk myself out of making changes because I just knew I'd fail. So why bother with the effort? Then I'd get frustrated with how little was changing, and my confidence would drop a little more. Repeat and on and on we go. 

I can't remember what specifically happened, but one day, I woke up and was ready for a change. I wasn't afraid of failure or letting myself down. Maybe I had a dream that told me I was already letting myself down, so why not take a chance and at least be productive for a change. Whatever happened, I pushed and pushed and never stopped. I'm still relaxing. I've watched more TV in the past 3 months than I did my entire 6 years in Lawrence, but I've also done more of pretty much everything. I'm working on building relationships with people again. I'm spending less time worrying about things that frankly, just don't matter. And something that seems so simple but so abstract, every little victory makes the next one easier. Each failure/disappointment is less significant and much easier to recover from. 

I'm not sure where I'll be this time next year, but no matter what, I'll be ahead of where I am now. I may fall, but as long as I keep doing and stop dreaming, the changes will come. 

Never Gave Up

So, I realize I've been gone for a while... I never did give up on this. I really feel like it's one of the greatest things I've ever undertaken, even if I never completed it. I'm ready to finish up.

I'm going to start over and start on the right foot. I've put on some weight in the past year and I want it one. My diet is fine, but I need to work out more. I enjoy it, I just never make time for it. So, I'm going to start by making sure that every day for the next week, I work out. I have a program, I just need to follow it. That's the only way I'll really be able to achieve any progress.

I've also decided to relate each goal to an actually problem I'm having in my life. I'm not going to just do these things because they sound good, I'm going to do them because I believe they will actually help me improve as person. I haven't been as driven as I should be. I feel like I'm scared of what may come and what will actually happen if I allow myself to succeed. This has cause me to put off finishing things and take more time than I really need.

I know this post was ALL over the place. it's late. I was at work. Deal.

Late arrivals

First day of working out was fantastic. I made it out to the lake and jogged about 3 miles, then did some yoga on the beach. I also made it through "Grinding it Out". That was the first book I've finished in years. I don't know why, but it's far easier for me t start a book and never finish it. I love finishing things through, but for some reason that has never applied to books.

I also realized yesterday that I'm late to almost everything. I showed up 10 minutes late to my accounting group project meeting. It's not fair to them for me to be late. I'm going to be 5 minutes early to everything I go to this week. That's the goal.

So, for today, my goals are read 100 pages, work out for 1 hour, and be 4 minutes early.

Oh yeah, and 1 of the new books I'm reading was a gift from my good friend Lauren.

Success is easy in the beginning

Over the past several hours, I've been thinking about where I want to take this. I still don't know, but that's part of the beauty in it. I don't have to. It's one day at a time. As long as I can find something for that day, I'm set. 

For today, I'm 75 pages in on "Grinding It Out" and think I won't have any problems making 100. It's really interesting and Ray Kroc reminds me of my grandpa. It probably helps that I'm reading on park benches as if I were on a walk with the elderly man just chatting about life. 

Now my problem is what do I do for day 2? Since it's the weekend, I'll hold off on goals pertaining to school since they aren't overly relevant. How about working out. I could always do more to be healthier. Let's go with 1 hour a day for 7 days.

Beginnings -The Project

Okay, so I don't expect everyone to understand what I'm doing or why I'm doing this. This is a project for me. I'm sharing with you because, well, I need some outside motivation. Plus, I like to share more information than anyone cares to know. :)

What I'm starting is a daily goal project. I'm going to set a new goal for myself every single day. Almost all of them will be something I feel like I should be doing, should be better at, or should not be doing. I'll try and end bad habits, start good habits, and just be better. I have to keep the goal for seven (7) days and I won't repeat them for at least a week. I'm going to make myself a healthier, stronger, and better person one goal at a time. Each day, I'll set a new goal for myself and give a record about how I've been doing on my other goals. The only exception is for two weeks from now, when I'll be out of the country. I'm still going to work on the project, but I'll be writing everything in a journal. When I get back, I'll post a summary.

So, the goal from now until the next 7 days, read 100 pages for leisure ever day. I read a book for the first time in 4 years last Monday and I completely forgot how much I love reading. I don't know how I went so long without reading, but this goal is to make sure I continue. I don't want to ever forget again.

First book! I know some of you wouldn't consider it leisure reading, but I'm weird, and I accept that.

Edit: I just realized how coincidentally awesome my first book choice was. This book is about the challenges Ray faced throughout his life and how he overcame them through hard work. It talks about the mistakes he made and what he learned from them.